well. the first thanksgiving and full day without grammy has come and gone. "another holiday gone," as she would say, almost as permission to bring on the next. she was old. and it was her time. but i'm still selfish and want her back. years ago grandma gave me a ring that grammy used to wear all the time, i found it when i got home and placed it on my finger immediatly. it makes me feel a little better.

my family grieves so strangely. the smallest thing is fought with such intensity. what wine to drink, who prepares what dish, and who helps out the most all become topic for argument. .. if i wasnt there i'd miss it though.

i wish kerry was here. i wanted nothing more but to split another bottle of wine with she and gina after the parents went to bed. she belongs here. i wish i could hold her and help her as she helps me. and then gina would call us morons and all would be right with the world. 16 days.

i feel a little empty. but she was 101. she died 2 days after her birthday. she made it that far. and she made it that far for me. i know that. even if she didnt remember why she was holding on that long. i remembered our promise from years ago. i knew in my heart she would honor it. thats why i had to go see her in the hospital. i wanted to see her before she left me. left all of us.

the service is saturday. the teddy bear i bought her is going in the casket. i felt special when i was told that. i feel bad now making mom pay me back for it. .maybe i'll give her the money back.but it really was something from all of us, it was just from my store and i picked it out. things will work themselves out.

i'm supposed to work tomorrow. i dont want to. i wont want to saturday either. i just want to go shopping and lay in nellos arms tomorrow. i wonder if he knows how deep my love runs for him. i can't even fathom it sometimes. only another week til the two year hit. i'm excited. i have rehearsal that day. bummer.

time to go. sleep. .or shower. or read. i dont feel like thinking or functioning.